Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Day 19 - How to Become a Villain

How to Become a Villain

1.
Be a hero.
Live long. No, much longer.
That’s long enough.

2.
Always define one’s self
by one’s own principles.
Always be seen
adhering to said principles.
Now quickly
bash those principles
in the head
as if clubbing
a helpless baby seal
and then behave
as selfishly as possible.

3.
Learn to enjoy
clubbing
helpless baby seals.
Visualize it if you lack
the steel stomach
required to enjoy
bashing the cranium
of a helpless
aquatic proto-mammal.

4.
Learn to monologue
by riffing
in the bathroom mirror.
Begin by using
stock-villain clichés like,
“I was like you once; young,
naïve, idealistic. But then
I discovered the joy of
clubbing helpless baby seals.”

5.
Find a patsy to scapegoat.
If the patsy is dumb,
make him your cannon fodder.
If he is strong,
make him your hired goon.
If he’s smart enough,
make him your
number-one henchman.
If he’s too smart,
lull him into a
false sense of security,
and then
bash his skull in like a…
well, you
should know by now.

6.
Wash your hands regularly.
I cannot stress this enough.
The devil’s in the details
and fingerprints can undermine
the best overly complicated plans.

7.
Know your nemesis’
berserk-button, and
do not push it
no matter how
tempting it is
to inflict pain
on the hero.

8.
Eliminate
as many humans
as necessary
to carry out your plan,
but protect the
environment
at all cost.
Always be mindful that

baby seals don’t grow on trees.
***


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