A New Holiday for the Holiday Season
Historically, the holidays are usually difficult for me to navigate emotionally.
There are times when joy falls upon everything I see like a muted, gentle snowfall, compelling me to conceive ways to bottle and save it within my memories to relive on-demand. But for every perfect moment like this there are countless times when my soul is a haunted Christmas abyss, full of not-so-subtle reminders that existence, like happiness, is fleeting, flickering, and falling away as fading embers, growing colder as the winter night consumes all that we fear to lose.
So yeah, I’m a regular ray of sunshine at the Holiday party, and that’s before I remind you that both of my parents died before my 40th birthday.
Knowing that my familial obligations require me at a certain level of Holly Jolliness, I usually limp through the season leaning on loved ones, dark humor, and small-batch bourbon. But working as an IT professional during the holidays is another matter entirely. If left to my own devices, I usually decorate my cubicle in some small fashion. But if management becomes overzealous with cramming mandatory fun down my throat… well, you’re not gonna believe this, but I can be a bit of a prick.
I won’t go into too many details, but my company is currently engaged in an unofficial departmental holiday decoration competition. Unsurprisingly, my ears immediately fold backwards and I quietly hiss to myself, “Fuck this noise.”
Long story short, there’s a small degree of pressure to get me to comply, including peer-pressure (good luck with that) and holiday shaming (I have no shame and zero fucks to give). I retaliated with complaints that all of the Christmas décor was offensive to my religious beliefs (I panicked and chose Voodoo) and I vowed to have my own twelve-day holiday celebration, which culminates with the holiest of days, Janky Spanky Day, on New Year’s Eve (OK, so I made that up.)
I don’t quite have the history and culture of Janky Spanky Day ironed-out yet. In fact, all I have is a few voodoo dolls, a mutilated scarecrow, and one Janky Spanky Day song. But at least the song provides a strong outline of the reason for the season, if you know what I mean.
Actually, that’s not true. It’s not a very strong outline for a new holiday. I figured that with a name like Janky Spanky Day, a thorough flogging of the buttocks should be prominently featured within the holy festivities, but then after that bullet point, I drew a blank and started swinging wild.
And so, I submit to you, gentle reader, for the first time ever, my very first Janky Spanky Day song. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to add to my new holiday culture in the comments. All ideas are welcome except for fasting. Seriously, don’t come into my comments area embarrassing yourself with talk of fasting or moderation. Fuck outta here with that nonsense.
Janky Spanky Day
Smack your loved ones on the butt
Make them scream and then go nuts
Break out the stank on Janky Spanky Day!
Run to the garden, fetch your switch
Use your buckle if they bitch
Target their flank on Janky Spanky Day!
Impale the festive scarecrow on the heathen stick!
Bless Jobu the Restless Weed-King with a ganja-brick!
Scatter 'dem dried chicken bones for Pigeon Georgie!
Greet the Spanky Spirit with fresh pheasant blood
- for the orgy!
Janky-stick them with all your might
Make their bottoms red and bright
Keep the Holy Jank in Janky Spanky Day!
Bless the bourbon and pass to me
Watch me pass-out beneath the tree
Spank and get tanked on Janky Spanky Day!